1. Too Many Figurines
A young girl watched her grandmother move several duck figurines from the bottom shelf to the middle shelf of a cabinet. The grandmother picked up one of the ducks and then set it down on the middle shelf. She picked up another duck figurine from the bottom shelf and set it beside the first duck. She continued moving the ducks from one shelf to the next.
Finally, she stood back and looked at the cabinet.
“Hmm…” She moved back to the cabinet and began moving the ducks onto the top shelf.
“Grandma,” the little girl finally spoke, “what are you doing?”
“I’m just trying to get my ducks in a row,” the grandmother answered. -Sally Painter
2. Irony of Age
“When you’re a baby, you’re taken care of by your parents.
When parents grow old, they’re taken care of by their baby.” -Sally Painter
3. Eyewitness to Crime
The elderly man was an eyewitness to the car shop crime scene. When the police asked him to tell them what happened, he told them what he’d seen.
“The guy with the beer belly grabbed a wrench from the toolbox!”
“What happened next?” the detective asked.
“Oh man, it was a gut-wrenching moment.” -Sally Painter
4. Chickens and Eggs
The elderly grandma always talked to the hens whenever she fed them.
One day, her grandson asked, “Grandma, why do you talk to the chickens?”
“I’m just trying to egg them on.” -Sally Painter
5. All About Love
“Love, Texas is a small but lively town,
Alyce Hills enjoys a morning stop on her way to work for coffee at the Love Café.
Everyone in town knows her as the head of Hills Temporary Agency, but locals simply refer to the agency as Hills.
That makes Alyce the head over Hills in Love.” -Sally Painter
6. It’s about Time
The elderly congregation was perplexed when the preacher pulled out a pocket watch and threw it to the end of the room. It slammed into wall and fell to floor in pieces, but the watch kept ticking.
“What does this demonstration tell you about life?” The preacher challenged the congregation.
A man in the back slowly stood up, leaning on his cane. He stared down at the ticking clock.
“Well, preacher, I suspect this watch shows that time flies and stops for no one.” -Sally Painter
7. A Judge’s Prerogative
Judge Ferris slammed the gavel down trying to bring order in the courtroom.
Staring over the rims of her glasses, the judge frowned at the elderly man, Alan T. Book.
“Mr Book, what do you have to say?”
“About what, your honor?”
“How you managed to conceal your crime for sixty years?”
“Well judge, it’s quite simple. No one suspected me. I didn’t look like anyone who’d do such a thing. After all, you can’t judge a Book by its cover!”-Sally Painter
8. Holy Water
The old exorcist priest frowned at his apprentice.
“Are you sure this is Holy Water?” he asked as they were packing for the exorcism.
“Oh yes, Father, I made it myself,” the younger priest said.
“How did you make it holy?” the elderly priest asked, curious if his trainee had followed the proper procedure.
“Well, Father, I collected the water just as you instructed, said a prayer over it as you instructed, and finally, I boiled the hell out of it!” – Sally Painter
9. Diner Counter Confusion
Nelson Love sat at the diner counter and watched the waitress refill his coffee cup. The waitress unscrewed the lid on the saltshaker and the maple syrup dispenser. She turned from the counter to get the salt container and syrup container to refill them when Love reached for the saltshaker.
She stood there watching in disbelief when he poured the salt into his cup of coffee. Love stirred the coffee with a spoon and then reached for the maple syrup dispenser grabbing it by the handle.
Before the waitress could stop him, Love had poured it into the coffee cup.
“What on earth?” One of the wait staff whispered beside her. “Did Nelson Love just put salt and pancake syrup in his coffee?”
“He sure did!”
“Why did he do that?”
” ‘Cause Love is blind.” – Sally Painter
10. Cellphone at the Driver’s License Bureau
Fred found himself in a long line at the driver’s license bureau and moved to stand in the shorter line. He turned around to see an elderly woman just standing in between the two lines and not moving to get in either one. He watched as she pulled out her cellphone and began reading the news. He was confused why she was just standing there reading between the lines. -Sally Painter
11. Food Memory
An elderly couple is worried that they are starting to forget simple things, so they go to a doctor for a checkup.
The doctor looks them over top to bottom but doesn’t find anything.
“It seems you two are perfectly fine so all that I can suggest is anytime you want to remember something, simply write it down”.
The couple believe that’s a great idea and so they go home with renewed confidence.
Later that evening, the couple are watching television and he decides to grab a drink.
“Need anything my dear” he asks?
“Could you grab me some ice cream. Here write it down” she tells him.
“No need my dear, ice cream coming up”!
“Oh, and some chocolate sauce please. Want to write it down”?
“Ice cream with chocolate sauce, got it”.
“And a cherry dear” she asks “sure you don’t want to write it down”?
“Ice cream with chocolate sauce and a cherry. I’ve got it, Hun”.
The elderly man is gone for 10 minutes and the woman begins to worry. He comes back with scrambled eggs, bacon and orange juice. The woman looks at the food and says
“Oh dear, you forgot the toast”!
12. A Well Told Joke
An old man was telling a group of friends how when he was young, his older brother was lowered into a well by standing on the bucket.
“And what happened?” one of the listeners asked when the man paused.
The old man stroked his beard, and spoke softly, in a tone of sorrowing reminiscence.
“Well… He kicked the bucket.”
13. Headless Bikers
Two old farmers are walking down a road when they hear a motorcycle behind them but are shocked when the driver passes them and the biker is headless. The two men look at each other and shrug. They continue down the road and a bicyclist comes up behind them and he, too, is headless.
The two old men continue to walk down the road, when the one walking along the inside turns to the other one.
“You know, Allen, I think maybe you should carry that scythe on your other shoulder.”
14. What’s in a Name?
A man was dining with an elderly couple was very impressed by the man’s terms of endearment to his wife. He said things like, “Thank you, my sweet,” “Please, my dear,” or “Okay, my beloved.”
When the wife went to the kitchen to get dessert, the man turned to his friend. “George, after all these years, it’s very touching that you speak so lovingly to your wife.
The old man sighed and shook his head slowly, “It’s not that Peter. I’m embarrassed to admit it, but I forgot her name years ago.”
15. Go the Right Speed Limit!
“One night a state cop saw a car going only 22 miles per hour. He pulled the car over. When he approached the driver’s side, he noticed five old ladies were seated in the car and all them looked to be in shock. They were all very pale.
The old lady driver greeted him, “Officer, Whey did you pull me over? I was going the speed limit exactly. What is the issue?”
“Ma’am you weren’t going over the speed limit, however driving under the limit is just as dangerous.”
“But I was going 22 mph, the exact speed limit.”
“No, ma’am, 22 is not the speed limit, it’s the route number,” he laughed.
Feeling embarrassed the older woman thanked him.
“Before I let you go, is everyone ok? The other ladies seem a bit unsettled.”
“Oh, they’ll be fine in a minute. We were just on route 119.”
Got a great joke? Drop it in the comments below!